Carrying On: Self Love And A Dress With Pockets
When she isn’t enjoying life with her boys, baking and cake decorating you can find Shanaka at Mama Bee Does. She survives being a single mom with lots of laughter, coffee, sweet tea and Dr. Pepper. Sometimes it feels like she’s hanging on by her apron strings, but she tries to make the most of every day. She believes that every body is unique and beautiful no matter the shape, size or color and that’s why she loves a dress with pockets like the Patti from Karina Dresses. They offer dresses for every body. Shanaka loves being social and you can find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.
We were still living together but the marriage had pretty much fallen apart years ago. Problems came along. I clammed up. I pushed him away. Cheating was done and lies were told. I wanted to be with him but I couldn’t trust him. We didn’t talk. Finally he moved out to an apartment across town. Here I was, almost 30 and on my own for the first time in my life (literally) with our two sons. I lived at home with my Mom until I met my husband and then I was pregnant, married and living with him.
I cried, a lot. I distanced myself from my family and friends for a while not wanting to admit the failure of my marriage. I was heartbroken but more scared than anything. I felt alone. I moved away from my family when I got married. He was basically all I had where we live so him leaving me left me feeling very much alone. I blamed myself for everything. I was full of what if’s and if I had done/said things differently maybe he’s still be here. I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but I knew I had to do something. I had 2 boys I still had to raise. I didn’t know how long he wanted to be separated. I didn’t know if he wanted a divorce or not. I kept begging, pleading and pressuring him for status updates. The first year I got credit cards in my own name for the first time ever (not one of my grandest of ideas) because I was getting a small income from my blog work and he was paying child support but I was spending more than I was bringing in. I was (and still am) living in the house that was our home. I didn’t want to be there so I didn’t cook the boys and I went out for just about every meal and we traveled a lot. I wanted the boys to have some fun and I just wanted to get away. The problem was spending money and going places does leave us with memories and photos but we weren’t escaping the real issues. We were right back where we started once we returned home. Now only with more debt.
Fast forward to the last 6 months and I realized many errors I was making and started making positive changes. I realized the separation wasn’t all my fault. I looked back on the things that I did that caused my share of the problems and am now working on them. I got a job out of the house for the first time in 10 years. I’ve made a lot of friends since returning to work. I go out. I cook again. I still travel but not putting myself in debt to do so. The boys and I are enjoying life once again. I no longer felt that I couldn’t make it on my own. My biggest realization in the last all most two years was that no one else was responsible for my happiness. I couldn’t love someone else if I couldn’t even love myself.
Last week I was told that I was “too pretty to be alone for two years”. Was this person expecting me to thank them for the compliment? That wasn’t going to happen. My reply was “Really? I don’t think my looks have anything to do with my standards. We are all worthy of a caring, loving, healthy relationship and mine starts with me loving me first”. Next month is the 2 year mark of our separation. It would also have been our 10 year wedding anniversary. Yes he moved out the weekend of our wedding anniversary. Do I know if the separation will end with us getting back together or headed for divorce? I don’t really know right now. All I can say right now is I am happy for once- husband or not.
When people see me now and I’m smiling it’s not a fake it til I make it type of smile. I no longer feel depressed and no longer feel like I am not worthy of love. I don’t need a companion to feel complete. When asked how I am doing I can honestly say that I am good. I love me and that’s what matters most.
What would you carry in your dress with pockets?